Monday, May 26, 2008

Today is a new beginning

Well it has been a while since I have posted. Guess some of you thought I gave up. Today begins a new life for me. My sister, whom I had been very close to, called last weekend and I quote, "From this minute on, you are no longer my sister". It came as a shock, but my life doesn't have to revolve around her. We can choose our friends, but not family and sometimes, our spirits can be affected by them. I am the first to admit I got ugly about things because some things "disappeared" and she didn't want to honor dad's wishes when it came to me. She is only honoring every one elses. She called me some horrible names, but she had been doing that when I lived in her apt. which by the way, never had a finished shower, so I had to go inside to bathe. She also called me a greedy and selfish person and said I could not get any more ugly than I have already.

Yes, we all tend to get ugly at times, but greedy and selfish I am not, just by walking into her house and seeing all the beautiful things I bought her, because she really didn't know how to decorate. I'm not an expert, but she has recieved lots of compliments about her house and even she bragged about it to her friends. Some of you also know that I am not selfish, because when someone needs help, I am there when able to. I know the pain will go away and it's sooner than I thought. I never dreamed that my sister would ever treat me so badly, but then she bossed me around ever since I can remember. She has a violent side to her and I have witnessed it 3 times, once beating our mom up when I couldn't do anything about it because I was pregnant, beat her other sister up over a bathtub of water and finally more recently beating her daughter up over a ring around the tub.

I asked God for forgiveness for the ugly things I did and said and He loves me enough to do that. I am now a true orphan with only my children and a few aunts. This honestly feels like a cancer eating at my soul, so today, I choose to live my life the way God intended me to and going back to making and sharing the crafts that I make. I inherited my moms talent, except for painting. I can quilt the way she does, but would love to learn the old way of doing them by hand.

My sister also said that I used a kind hearted man to get what I wanted. NOT! I am not the one who borrowed 5 digits of money from them and put that stress on them, especailly when my bil filed bankruptcy and my dad had to pay the note and 2 of them didn't pay my dad until about a month before he died, without interest. One still owes over $14,000 and one over $54,000, but yet I am the one who loaned my parents money when they wouldn't pay on their debts. I am not the one who hurt my dad and I did not use him or beg him for anything. I did ask him for my mom's serger and new sewing machine and he gave them to me, but they have disappeared and I honestly feel like I know who has them. Also the pain of my dad giving one of the younger sister's my mom's wedding ring, stung so bad. She also took the retirement plaque, but I have one thing they can never have, I gave my dad his last breathe and it wasn't easy giving CPR in my condition. One of them said I let my dad die at the hospital and said I signed papers for them not to do anything. I disregarded his living will and told them to do whatever they could to save him or keep him alive until my other siblings got there.

So today, I am asking for your prayers to help heal my wounds, especially those from my childhood. I could write a book, which my oldest son wants me to do, but there are some things, I would prefer for him not to know.

If any of you can offer some advice, I am willing to read it and maybe I am being ugly about taking this to court, but I don't see any other solution. My heart aches so much and I have decided to see a pyscologist again. Our priest was supposed to come talk with me twice and never showed up. My posts will be different from now on. I needed to get this off my chest, so I can start healing. I know some things should not be posted, but I feel like Amy did when she was so angry. I miss my parents so much and I don't think that pain will ever go away, but we are all gifts from God and He calls us all home at His choosing. So please forgive me for this post and I humbly ask for your prayers. Pat


Anonymous said...

(HUGS) Pat... What you are going through is very tough but I know you can get through this. Regarding whether or not to go to court ... look at the reasons... is it worth it? Sometimes the hurt is so deep we think having something of substance (your mom's things) will make the hurt heal or the pain go away ... but it doesn't always bring what we hoped. I hope what ever you decide Pat will help in your road to healing the deep deep cuts your family has inflicted on you. Pray .. Pray .. Pray .. God will give you the answer. Know in your heart what your true intensions are ... you are a kind and generous person with a big heart .. you've had enough pain and hurt to last more than one life time.... love ya chick .. hang in there!!!

Joyce said...

YIKES....that was a "load off of your chest" thing that is forsure though...and it doesn't seem like it now but it is true.

"This too shall pass" and it will. Time does help heal...

We have also been through "family weirdness" at parents deaths and we have just concluded to ourselves that we are going to be "BIGGER." All this earthly stuff really doesn't matter in the end.
People do and say the meanest and goofiest things when they are in pain and hurting both emotionally and physically.
So hang in there.......I hope it gets better for you soon.

I say just PRESS ONWARD and take care of YOU at this point :~)
Be blessed,

SweetAnnee said...

Oh Pat dear..things can get very ugly when our loved ones die and it becomes about I can say it
Let go and Let God.

the hurt will not go away without God and it will hurt YOU most..not your sister.
Forgive her, for your sake and leave the rest to our Lord.
Just close your eyes, invision Jesus and call upon Him
lovingly, Deena

Susie Harris said...

Maybe we will meet one day! I never say never... You never know who you will see at a craft show. Opps I just said never... Susie H

The Urban Chic said...

Thank you all for the inspiration to do what is best. I realize I don't need those things to make me happy and the healing can't start until all this is over, but yesterday and today is a good day. Love you all, Pat

kathyann said...

Pat,I can understand where you are coming from,I too am having to make some difficult decisions just now,its like you say you can choose your friends and thank goodness for that,without them I don't know how I would be able to cope!
Where families are concerned we have to do what's right for us and our own or we would completely loose it!
These are difficult times but you know in your heart what is best for you and the path to take!
At the end of the day the decision has to be yours,the hurting has to stop and you have to be true to yourself and the ones closest to you!I wish you well!
Love and hugs from Kathy and the girls at Meg's Mum's Muffins